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| DYSFUNCTIONAL PERFECTIONISM by Kit Jones, M.Ed., L.P.C. I want to be clear at the outset that it is great when we do things well. The problem, the "dysfunction," if you will, arises when we actually buy into the oft-repeated—and wrong—injunction which commands us to believe that whatever we do must be done perfectly, or else the final product is a failure. Not only is the product to be judged a failure; but the producer, that is, one's self, is also to be considered a failure. Early in life, a perfectionist—along with just about everyone else—learns to expect to be rewarded for a job well done. Every child craves to be approved of, accepted, and recognized. Children, until around ten years of age, have "magical thinking"; that is, they believe that anything and everything that takes place around them is caused by them. It is only about the age of ten that children begin to understand that events around them are not necessarily caused by them. So, combining the need for approval with "anything worth doing is worth doing well" can result in a child who strives to do things not just well, but perfectly. When children are exposed to or reared by caregivers who are not capable of offering approval, acceptance or recognition of the child or of a well-done job , they frequently become "discouraged perfectionists." Since they have learned to believe in the possibility of perfection in themselves or of a task to be done (not just a good job) and to attempt to do all things with perfection, these children can do one of two things. Either they can give up trying altogether and believe themselves to be failures. Or, they can continue trying in the belief that perfection is actually possible, and strive toward that impossible goal. In either case, they become discouraged and believe themselves to be failures. The tragedy of this is that children have often learned to identify themselves with their deeds. When this is the case, children, and the adults they become, believe that their value as human beings is determined by how well they perform any and all tasks. I have learned and attempt to teach my clients the concept of—not a perfect job—but a job well-done or "good enough." Perfectionists quail upon hearing the phrase "good enough." Instead, they hear, "...unacceptable...not good enough...failure." I attempt to help clients learn to evaluate each of the many tasks that they do each day according to its relative importance. I imagine a measuring instrument similar to a ruler, with increments like inches or centimeters. At opposite ends of the "ruler" one can measure a task as either perfectly done or a failed task. Between those two extreme points are many increments where the person can determine when a task has been done well enough—when compared with its importance and its priority among all the tasks to be done. Every task cannot be equal in importance to every other task. We must have priorities. It is quite an empowering experience to learn that we can determine how well each task that we have to do must be done—letting go of the notion that everything that we do must be done perfectly. In this way, one can avoid falling into the mindset which leads some highly skilled and talented people to feel that they are frauds because they occasionally make an error. After all, "To err is human." Mistakes simply show that we are human and that we are learning.
One final learning regarding perfectionism is that we are not the sum of our deeds. We are all valuable, worthy human beings—regardless of our talents or abilities, or how well we do a task. Our value and worthiness to have what we need and (at least some of) what we want is our birthright. For perfectionists, as with everyone else, it is vital to separate self from deed.* Even when we believe that we have failed in a task, we must still know that we always have value and worth, and that we're always learning. We are not human doings. We are all perfectly imperfect human beings doing our best at any moment. The great teacher and therapist Virginia Satir said, "Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment, and when they can do differently, they will." I always add, "And that includes you and me." _____________________ * When we separate our concept of our self from our deeds, we must still take responsibility for what we do. As adults, we cannot shift responsibility for our actions to others. Even though we may have had a less than ideal beginning in life, we are ultimately held responsible for what we do with it. | |
| One way of practicing mindfulness is to listen to our bodies.
In Thoughts and Feelings, Satir said: "Our bodies continually give us messages. Take a moment to listen,
for this has survival value."
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