ASSERT YOUR POINT CLEARLY

D E* S C Assertiveness Script

Below is one method to prepare and then communicate your concerns to someone. It's best to carefully prepare the script beforehand, taking your time to get it just the way you want it. Then, tell the person that you have something important to discuss; and set a place and time to meet that is convenient to each of you. (Having the script prepared may come in handy if the person responds with, "How about now?") Begin your meeting by expressing your desire to improve your relationship--whether it is a friend, a family member, or simply an acquaintance--and ask the person to allow you to go through your brief message before discussing it with them. Go through the script that you have prepared and then discuss any response from the other person. After you have discussed your script and the other person's response, you may want to "close the deal" by asking if the person will make a commitment to follow through with the change in behavior that you have specified.

Whether the person agrees or not, it will be a victory for you to have asserted yourself about the issue.

Script Steps Sample ___________________________________________________________________________

1. Describe the problem behavior….

2. *Express your feelings about,

or *Explain the effect of the behavior….

3. Specify the behavior that you prefer….

4. Consequences + (positive) and - (negative) :
     + if does as you have asked,

    and

     - if does not do as you asked….

1. “When you don’t keep your word that you will do something...

2. “I feel hurt, unimportant to you, and distant from you.”

3. “In the future, I would rather that you keep your promises to me.”

4. + “If you do as I’m asking and keep your word, I will feel important to you and closer to you.”

     and

     - “If you don’t, we will continue having distance and hurt feelings between us which will damage our relationship more."

*Special note: Express your feelings about the problem behavior only to those people you know who truly care about your feelings and not (a) to those who may say they care but you feel hurt by repeatedly—or (b) to whom it may not be appropriate to express your feelings, for example, a business contact such as someone who has sold you a defective product. To (a) or (b): Explain the effect, as in the above example, to someone who has, for instance, sold you a defective product: “When you sold me the defective product (describe problem behavior), you created a problem for yourself as well as for me (explain the effect of the behavior) because I insist that you make good on the transaction and either refund the money that I paid for it or replace it with a working product (specify the behavior that you prefer). When you do, you will retain me as a customer (positive consequence), if not, I will continue pursuing an acceptable resolution until I get it (negative consequence).”

KIT JONES, M.Ed., Licensed Professional Counselor

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