NOTES: BIRTH ORDER SEMINAR
THE REASON THAT I VOLUNTEERED TO DO THIS
SEMINAR TOPIC IS NOT THAT I AM A Birth Order EXPERT,
BUT BECAUSE IT FASCINATES ME AND HELPS ME TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS
AROUND ME.
I. I
am a LPC in Private Practice in Fort Worth and Arlington.
A. My
basic theoretical approach is Family Systems as
Practiced, Written About and Taught by Virginia Satir
B. Eclectic,
use Whatever Technique that I believe will work best with Each Client
at each moment
C. Use
Adlerian Concepts such as encouragement and the Family
Constellation and Birth Order, …especially as expressed and written
about by Dr. Kevin Leman in his many books, most notably, THE
BIRTH ORDER BOOK. I will be borrowing from it liberally today.
II. I
USE BIRTH ORDER AS A TOOL FOR
MYSELF TO UNDERSTAND CLIENTS AND A TEACHING TOOL FOR CLIENTS
IN MY PRACTICE. For me, it goes with to the Myers-Briggs
instrument for understanding how people think, feel and behave, and
interact with others. I also use
genograms for the same purpose.
A. In
Individual Counseling to perceive where my clients
are located on their individual Family Tree to Place them in the
Context of their Life Experience
B. In
Couples Counseling for Clues as to How
Each Spouse May have come to be in relationship with the
other, and How they May Relate
with Their Partners
C. In
Family Counseling for Clues as to How Each
Family Member Fits Into the Family Organization
D. In
Groups to Enhance interaction among Group
Members
III. I
also use BIRTH ORDER to Understand People I come in contact with in
my Daily Living to help me communicate with them, and
because of my Curiosity about Others--sometimes I find it fun
A. My
Own Family Members; including Myself
B. Relating
to my colleagues and other staff members
C. My
Friends and Acquaintances; People with whom I Do
Business;
IV. Some
Key Points about BIRTH ORDER
A. As important as a child’s birth order
may be, it is only an influence, not a final fact of life,
forever set in cement and unchangeable as far as how that child turns out.
B. How
parents/caregivers treat their children is as important
as BIRTH ORDER, Spacing, Sex or
Gender, and Physical or Mental characteristics.
V. Ask
Seminar Attendees: “Let’s Talk about
What You already Know about Birth Order.”
A. (optional)
Ask for Volunteer to Help with Writing Down a List of BIRTH ORDER
Facts (guess that person’s BIRTH ORDER)
B. Have
them List 5 or More Ideas.
C. Ask for Main BIRTH
ORDER Positions. Leman calls them: First Born,
Lonely
Only or Super First Born, Middle Child, Baby or Last Born
D. Ask
for Other Comments or Questions
VI. VARIABLES
AFFECTING THE BIRTH ORDER FACTOR
A. Spacing--the number of years between children
B. The Sex or Gender of each child--and
in what sequence males and females
are born
C. Physical, Mental, or Emotional
differences--in other words, genes
D. Sibling deaths--which if
occurring early can cause the later-born child
to be bumped forward to the next-older birth order position
E. Adoptions--which may or may not
have an effect on birth order, depending
on how old the child is when adopted
F. Birth Order Position of Each Parent--first-born
parents usually run a much different
household than later borns
G. Relationship between the parents--and
the parenting style they use as they pass
on their personal values to their children
H. The “Critical Eye” of a Parent--Constant
criticism takes its toll. A parent over-identifying with a child,
often the child in the same birth order
position, as the parent can cause the parent to over-indulge and spoil the child. Over-identification can also be done in a non-
indulgent, hard-line way--particularly
when the parents are both first born. Instead of overindulging their first-born
child, they’ll probably be extra hard on
him or her as they exert their own perfectionist standards and learn to parent at the same time.
In
any family a lot depends on the personality and parenting style of Mom and Dad.
I. Blending two or more families--due
to death or divorce--in a stepfamily
certain birth orders often get stepped on.
This variable can throw birth
order (and the family) into chaos. This
is looming more and more, About one
out of six children under 18 is a stepchild.
Often, not only is money short, but time, energy, and patience. Leman applies to stepfamilies an old joke:
Question: What’s green and goes 100 MPH?
Answer: A frog in a blender.
Stepfamilies
seldom “blend”, more often they collide.
The Good News for blending
families is that when children in a blended family are very young, the parents have a better chance. But much beyond 5 or more years of age, when the
personality is formed, instead of
instant love and harmony, what you can easily have is instant war. Birth Orders don’t change, and that is why
friction can develop. Blended families do not create new birth
order positions; so there is the likelihood
of family infighting. The couple in a blended
family must put their relationship first and the children second for everyone‘s benefit. As a
counselor, I often see couples who
struggle tremendously because they fail to nurture their relationship. At the same time, Birth order can simply give you clues about what a specific child will be
like; nevertheless, in any family,
a person’s order of birth can have a lifelong effect on who and how a person turns out to be.
J. In his birth order book Leman reports research
done by Frank Sulloway, a research scholar in the science technology and
society program at M.I.T. In 26 years, Sulloway has found 196 birth
order projects involving 120,000 subjects. His analysis found birth
order theory to be confirmed impressively,
particularly in regard to Last Borns
being nonconforming, adventuresome, and unconventional; and First Borns being conscientious, responsible, and achievement-oriented.
VII. FIRST-BORN First-born personalities can also be
created by
A. Being oldest of your gender, I.e.,
oldest son or daughter;
B. Having a five-year gap between one
child and the next child of the
same gender; or
C. Achieving a role reversal and taking
over the first-born privileges and
responsibilities. So, other children can take on certain first-born traits.
VII. There are two
kinds of first borns
1.
The Compliant Nurturers and Caregivers
Many first borns are strong willed and
aggressive, but there are many
who are compliant--the model children who grew up to be pleasers of others. They still have all those first-born
qualities, but they’re always
in a very reliable, conscientious, how-can-I-please you package. The downside of being a compliant first born
is that you can attract the
great white sharks of life--spouse, boss, or friend. They
take it, nursing resentment quietly, then vent in a great explosion and then go to a therapist.
2. The Aggressive First Borns are the
Movers and Shakers
Compliant
first borns have a strong need to be conscientious, care giving servants--another brand is the
strong-willed, assertive, high achiever
and hard driving first born.
VIII. Other Traits of
First Borns
A. First Borns Love to be Exacting,
Precise--and Picky. Leman wrote about a striking example of this when he spoke before a group
of 221
Accountants. They were staring at him or glancing at their watches. When he
asked for the first borns to stand, almost the entire
room stood up. The remaining 19 were middle children and last borns. He cracked them all up when he asked those 19
before they sat
down, “What are You doing here?”
B. First Borns often put stress on their
family
The
very traits and abilities that enable you to succeed at work, or in other organizations will often work
against you in your close personal
relationships. When a goal-oriented achiever first born starts thinking “Winning is Everything”,
he can shove aside values like being
law-abiding, loyal, or self-sacrificing. Instead, he will do anything to win. As an example,
Leman offers the story of Cain and Able
in the Bible. Because Cain’s gift to God was found wanting, while his brother Abel’s was accepted by God, he killed
his brother.
C. What Makes the First Born Tick?
Oldest
children serve as “guinea pigs” for parents who have never done
this kind of thing before. New parents are typically ambivalent--one
side overprotective, anxious, tentative, and inconsistent with the new baby--the
other side strict, disciplined, demanding, always pushing, and
encouraging better performance. Everything about
a first-born child is important. The family
overdoes things with the first born. Parents and grandparents give
first borns constant attention, record every move they make… Their
progress is demonstrated in the huge number of pictures and videos made of
them. They walk and talk earlier than later borns because of all the coaching and prodding,
probably in self-defense. Surrounded by adults, first borns naturally
take on more grown-up characteristics. This is why
they are often serious and not much for surprises. They
prefer to know what’s happening and
when; they thrive on being in control, on time, and organized-- things that
adults approve of. This often gives them a leg up professionally
where precise rules and regulations must be the way things are done, for instance in
baking or architecture or building. The first
born is a good bet to be careful, conscientious and perfectionist.
D. PRESSURES AND PROBLEMS
The
other side of all that “ooh-ing” and “ahh-ing” in the family spotlight adds up to PRESSURE: To set the example; Having to put up with looking
after the younger kids; Not keeping them out of trouble; To ACT Your AGE; To Grow UP; Losing
arguments because “you should know better.” Along with
getting the most discipline, first
borns also get the most work. Inevitably, first borns wind up being in charge a
lot, older sisters, particularly, get taken advantage of this way by
their parents. A good rule of thumb is
to not expect older children to be baby-sitters for the
younger ones.
Bottom
Line is that parents expect too much of first borns. They are often
forced to be pacesetters and standard-bearers of the family and urged to follow
in Father’s and Mother’s footsteps into professions
or ways of life they really don’t want.
First-born
boys are usually pressured to be the “crown prince” of the family and first-born girls get
almost as much pressure to be the “crown
princess.” Some statements from adult
first borns are: Everyone
depends on me. I can’t get away with
anything. I was never allowed to be a kid. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
E. The Worst Nightmare of most First
Borns and Only Borns
Perfectionism.
Perfectionists are known for their sloppy desks as a means
of covering their discouragement for not always having life go just the way they
want. When they find one thing that is
wrong or
imperfect, they tend to generalize that one inconsistency and want to throw out
the entire package. Perfectionism is the major problem
for almost all first borns and only children. At worst, it can be a curse; and, at
best, a heavy burden. Perfectionism is NOT a strength.
Leman uses an 11-question quiz to determine how perfectionistic
a person is. He asks such questions as: Do mistakes-- your
own or others’--irritate you? Does one small mistake ruin your day--or at least your
morning? Do terms like good enough and just about
right bother you, particularly on the job? Realizing your deep need to have all your ducks in a
row, do you insist that others have their
ducks in the same row (think exactly the same way as you)? Leman describes
people who score in the medium-to-extreme perfectionist
range on these 11 questions as “discouraged perfectionists.” They go through
life saying, “I only count when I’m perfect.”
It becomes their lifestyle, what Adler described as how people function psychologically to reach
their goals. Leman describes
an Ultracritical Discouraged Perfectionist , toxic flaw pickers, in personal
relationships or on the job. He advises that if you are working for an Ultracritical Discouraged
Perfectionist who wears a
mask of being “objective“, the best thing is to find work elsewhere if
self-fulfillment and job satisfaction are really important to you.
BREAK FOR FOUR CORNER BIRTH ORDER EXERCISE
Ask participants to join one of four
groups: Only in one corner, first-borns in second, middle borns in third, and
last borns in a far corner.
Ask them to “JUST CHAT A BIT BUT STAY IN
YOUR CIRCLE.”
Go from circle to circle and leave piece
of paper in the center of each group, face down.
Look busy leafing through papers. Notice
who picks paper up first…to last.
Wait a few minutes, then announce, “You
only have a few minutes to finish your assignment. Be ready to report to the
rest of the group at that time.”
Ask each group who took charge, and ask
him/her to report their finding. Ask first-borns if a definite leader took
charge. Ask only children if there was any power struggling over who would take
charge. Notice who enjoyed the
exercise--the middles enjoy it more and have an easy time negotiating who would
be the leader and doing the assignment with no problem. What happened with the
babies?
Conclusion: Key Points about Birth Order
A. As important as a child’s birth order
may be, it is only an influence, not
a final fact of life forever set in cement and unchangeable as far as how that child turns out.
B. How
parents/caregivers treat their children is as important as BIRTH
ORDER, Spacing, Sex, and Physical or Mental Characteristics. Key
Question is: Was the environment provided for the child loving,
accepting and warm? or was it critical, cold and distant?
C. Each
birth order has inherent strengths and weaknesses. Parents/caregivers must accept both
while helping the child develop positive traits and cope with
negative ones.
D. No
birth order is “better” or more desirable than another. First borns
seem to have a corner on achievement and the headlines, but the door
is wide open for later borns to make their mark. It is up to them.
E. BIRTH
ORDER info does not give the total psychological
picture for anyone. No system
of personality development can do that. Birth Order statistics and
characteristics are indicators that combine with physical
mental, and emotional factors to give the bigger picture.
F. Understanding
some principles of birth order is not a formula for automatically solving
problems or changing your personality
overnight. Changing
oneself is the hardest task anyone can attempt; it
takes lots of work.
TIPS FOR PARENTING THE LAST BORN
1. Be
sure your last born as her fair share of responsibilities around the
house. Last
borns often wind up with very little to do for two reasons (a) they are masters at ducking out of the work
that needs to be done; and (b) they are
so little and “helpless” that the rest of the family members decide it’s easier to do it themselves.
2. Be
sure your last born does not get away with murder in regard to family rules and regulations. Statistics show the
last born is least likely to be disciplined
and the least likely to have to toe the mark the way the older children did. It wouldn’t hurt to make
notes on how you held the older kids
responsible and enforce the same bedtime and other rules on your last born.
3 While
being sure not to coddle your youngest child, don’t let him get clobbered or lost in the shuffle,
either. Last borns are well known for feeling
that “nothing I do is important.” Make a big deal out of your last born’s accomplishments and be sure he
or she gets a fair share of “the refrigerator
door for school papers, drawings, etc.”
4. Introduce
your youngest child to reading very early. Six months is not too young to start reading to your child with
brightly colored illustrated books. When your child starts reading, don’t do the
work for him/her.