Five of the Hardest Things to Say
... And Ways To Say Them
by
Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
Do you think that the most difficult thing to say is, "Hello, how are you" in a language you don't speak? Or perhaps it's, "Boss, I need to leave early today" or perhaps it's, "I know you are asking $xxx,xxx for your house, but I'd like to offer $xx,xxx for your house." Perhaps all three seem really difficult to say. Perhaps they are. But what often gets people the MOST stuck is:
1. "I am sorry."
Think about This…
A way to think about this is to acknowledge that since no one is perfect, you don't have to be either. Saying "I'm sorry" can be one of the most freeing and powerful statements made in a relationship. Saying—and meaning—"I'm sorry" can also be a powerful tool of forgiveness that you offer yourself.
Suggestions—
Here Are Some Ways to Offer an Apology.
"I understand that what I said/did was hurtful to you, and I am very sorry."
"I am sorry. I have hurt us both."
"When we're both ready, Let's talk about ways to avoid this kind of problem in the future."
"I was angry and in pain when I _____________, I do wish I'd chosen another way to express those feelings. I am sorry."
______________________
2. "I Want to End This Relationship."
Think about This…
You have the right to end a relationship. If someone tries to ignore your wishes, perhaps you are being given a reaffirmation that your decision is the right one for you. Just remember that ending a relationship should be a decision you make specific to the current relationship—not the way you always deal with upset.
Suggestions—
Here Are Some Ways to End a Relationship.
"This Relationship Is Not a Good Fit for Me."
"This Relationship Is Not Working for Me."
"We Need to Stop Hurting Each Other. The Only Way that I Know How to Stop My Part of It Is to Remove Myself from the Relationship. I Wish You Well."
__________________________
3. "I Want a Raise."
Think about This…While it would be great to work for an employer/client who values your work as much as you do, do not assume that your work does not have value because your employer doesn't necessarily sing your praises. If you believe that you should have a raise, think about the reasons (excluding "I need it", "I'm a single parent," "I have a lot of bills") and present this to your employer. Be clear about your salary goals and clearly communicate this to your employer. Be prepared for the range of responses your employer may offer, knowing that, regardless of the response, you have done what you needed to do for you.
Suggestions—
Here Are Some Ways to Ask for a Raise.
"I Would Like to Schedule Some Time for Us to Talk within the Next Two Weeks. I Am Interested in Reviewing My Compensation Package with You."
"I Am Interested in Talking with You about a Salary Increase and Have Prepared Some Material that I would Like You to Consider."
"I Would Like to Discuss My Work Thus Far and Share with You Some of My Goals and Observations about My Performance."
BE PREPARED!!
__________________________
4. "No."
Think about This…
No is no is no. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to set limits. If someone chooses to ignore your "no"; it is your job not to! If "no" is what you mean...then "no" is what you mean!
Suggestions—
Here Are Some Ways to Say "No"
Do Not Apologize for Your "No"
Do Not Be Rude about Your "No"
Don't Yell Your "No"
Don't Make Excuses for Your "No"
You Do Not Have to Justify Your "No"
_________________________
5. "I Do Not Want to See You Again"
Think about This…
You have a right to your life and your feelings.
Neither you nor anyone else has the right to ignore either.
Suggestions—
Here Are Some Ways to Stop Seeing Someone.
Do Not Think that It Is Okay to Be in a Relationship with Someone Who Ignores Your Wishes.
Take Another Look at Number 4.
___________________________
Copyright 2006 MyNDTALK. All rights reserved.